Y’all, something bad is going to happen. I can feel it in the wind, in my bones.
They want me to learn to drive.
This is a terrible idea, y’all. I know, my father and a few more of you are already agreeing with me because of that whole giant-red-truck incident a year and a half ago, but I am not even talking about that. Since that little mishap, I have been accident- and ticket-free. My driving is fine, thank you very much.
But that’s driving in America. Driving in Spain is a whole different beast, a monstrous beast complete with claws, fangs, and horns made out of small children. To speed this up, I’ve compiled a list of all the dangers associated with me learning to drive here:
1. Their cars are stick shifts. I don’t know how to drive a stick shift, and I’m not willing to practice on one of theirs. The last time I drove anything slightly stickshifty was a dirtbike when I was 16, and I didn’t like it then either.
2. Where would I practice? It’s not like there are giant parking lots here. No Prestonwood with its own little world of stop signs, no giant SuperWalMart with a parking lot bigger than most neighborhoods.
3. Their driveway is really narrow, and I know I’m going to break off a mirror. Or two.
4. There are very few radio stations in English. The whole point of driving is listening to music very loudly.
5. I’d be driving their children. Why would anyone let me drive small children? Especially in these tiny cars that likely offer very little impact protection. Again, it’s one thing in America where I know all the traffic laws, know the city really well, know my car really well, and understand the mentality of other drivers. None of those apply in Spain. I don’t even know how to turn on the windshield wipers (which is important to know; see #6).
6. The whole point of me learning is that when it’s too cold or rainy to walk to school, we could drive. Why would I want to drive in the rain?
7. I am not quite up on my Spanish road signs or road rules, which are more different from ours than you’d expect. For example, here, pedestrians can just walk out in front of cars (In the crosswalks) and cars are expected to stop. In the US, if you walk out in front of moving traffic without a “Walk” sign, you’re really just asking for a trip to the ER.
8. Roundabouts, y’all. Enough said.
9. Parallel parking. Can’t do it, and never have been able to. Unfortunately Spain’s not real big on parking lots or wide open spaces (see #2).
9. And finally, the reason that underwrites all the others– Spanish drivers are CRAZY. They drive on the sidewalk, for heaven’s sake. I am not kidding. This happens frequently. You’re walking on the sidewalk, minding your own business, and out of nowhere a car is backing up toward you until it is completely on the sidewalk, about six inches from where you stood. They consider those little white lines on the sides of the road to be guidelines rather than mandates. They see your lane and think, “Oh, we can both fit here, so let’s share!” Seriously, y’all, I am going to die.
Prayers would be appreciated. I’ll keep you posted on how I wreck their car.